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Monday, November 24th, 2008
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So when I woke up I was completely sluggish from getting terribly drunk the night before. I made an ass of myself, it was really bad. But I didn't feel like doing anything. I didn't even feel like getting changed and going over my parent’s house. I didn’t feel like walking the five blocks to the terminal to catch a bus. But I finally did, I went over my parent’s house and ate and hung out for a bit, then Brian Reilly called me. I was really shocked, he asked me if I wanted to go out and eat at The Great American, so we did. Ruben waited on us so very awkwardly. Oh so awkwardly. Brian and I tried to catch up, it has been 4 and half years, but I'm so glad he's back in my life again. He's a great person and I'm glad to hear he's doing well for himself now. Really glad to hear it. It makes me want to do well for myself. So I will I’m going to push myself like I never have. It's my ultimate goal. So when I got home I did some dishes and I read a little, and passed out. Now I have to make balloons and go see J. I haven't seen him in two weeks. He's going to be so upset with me... but I'm going to finally go see him, and tomorrow is his court date.. I pray that Patty doesn't show up, and the case is dropped.. I want him out before Christmas so bad. I want to spend my Christmas with him.
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I'm always pushing to do bigger and better things. I always look forward to looking forward to something. I'm never content with the here and now. I'm never just happy doing what I'm currently doing. I have a problem, and I'm always saying that I have to work towards something. But I don't know.. it's weird.. I have some type of problems. Right now I'm home sick, I never thought I'd want to, but I really wish I was in a position to move back home.
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Wednesday, October 1st, 2008
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I'm not playing it safe.. and it's killing me.
WHEN THE FUCK HAVE I EVER PLAYED IT SAFE!?!
I just watched the Sex in the City movie, by myself, for the first time. I realized that is around the time my life started to feel like it was falling apart, when that movie came out. No one wanted to wait to see it with me, or had bad timing to see it with people, and when other friends who were my Sex in the City watching buddies saw it without me, and when my friends who just got into or weren't that into it saw it without me, I lost it.. my life started to crumble at that point. I need to stop caring what other people have to do with my life. My life can't be revolved around the here and now. I'm pushing forward and that's all I can do.
Pray for me if you so care.
I'm making my way back to me.
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Thursday, September 4th, 2008
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| Subject: | So |
| Time: | 5:20 am. |
| Music: | The Disstillers The Blackest Years. |
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Where to go from here? Where does my life begin again? I think I got so caught up in what some crazy crack head psychic said that I'm sticking myself in a bad relationship. In her prediction true love, life, marriage should happen in two years for me. Fuck that shit.. I'm a loner lol. I'm free and single and fucking happy. I just want someone to tie me down, because I'm not tying myself down. I need something to fill my life and make me feel I have a future, since I'm not motivating myself... I'm going to have a good job in the next month.. fuck what I'm telling myself.. my life is going to be grand!
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Today I am truly to a step forward to being my complete self. I think what I need to do is manage my time well. I have to plan. My life worked out so well when I planned it, and that's what made those adventures that I would have by myself or with my friends’ all the more special. Because it wasn't an everyday occurrence so it worked out amazingly. I need a second job. Or even two new ones, I have to find myself again, because I have to know the person I’m trying to better.
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Did you ever think that you were wrong about someone and gave them a second chance, only to find out you were right, but they were worse then you had ever imagined?
Yeah boys are stupid and weird... people suck.
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Today at work I said hello to this cute little boy who was about 11 months old... and he was so adorable. He was to cute, and for once in a very long time, the thought of having children didn't make my stomach turn, seemed plausible, and even desirable.
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That tonight I feel alive, tonight I feel fire hell love and passion for people, conversations, and friendships again? That in feeling my barriers and walls are coming down, the ones I put up to protect myself, has made me feel more free.
I feel more feminine than ever, and more punk too. Is it possible to have both? Or is it just that I'm finally just being happy and myself, and the places that have been that have shaped my morals are helping in leading the way?
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Wednesday, April 12th, 2006
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Myspace had become addictive, no one uses this anymore, and it’s more private, but at the same time isn't, but I can still inhale.
I've found myself in the familiar pleasure of feeling numb.
I'm moving forward, and as it has always been, people are pulling me behind. People get angry and they know why.
But it still baffles me to this day about what they don't realize, since for me it's second nature. I can't help, but feel trapped in a pool of drama. I can always overcome it, but it baffles me that others can't. And it then becomes their selfishness, which then becomes them.
I'm tired of playing games, but I'm tired of a life without closure. Is it really so easy for someone to deny and ignore reality? To the point that the emotionally and spiritual person that they might have once held so dear is the enemy?
It still baffles me, how a human can get so caught up in something so wrong, such as hatred, ignorance, or anger, that not only do they simply only use their mind to guide them, but let what they're caught up in take over their mind. And is that my flaw, that I can't stand how weak someone can be? how easily they fall short? But then again, my flaw does not over take me 'mind, body, and soul'.
So in the end, what is left? To have to be the bigger person is to then to give up on the other, and not be able to feel they're anything, but average. And average in this country, is just ignorant.
Just as I have ignorantly never found ignorance to define you, and yet, I'm not average, but extraordinary. Because my ignorance is to only bring out the better in people, when others is to bring out the worse. But I find it hard to breath, in a sea of childish ignorance, that is not only a character of someone, but who they have become, and yet they are still so easy to accuse.
Ahh, none the less. I'm putting one foot forward, again possibly in the wrong direction. I always have to think outside of the box, and act on it too. When what I really should be doing is taking one foot forward into the corporate world that conforms me, since that's where I need the most work. I am again on a life journey again. But more education, more life changes, and more freedom.( since freedom has nothing to do with a place, but the soul)
Most people never know what freedom really is. It's a word that is placed within a government or within the place that one can live. Which is such a disrespect to the meaning. Ahh to be free, to feel freedom, without ignorance! Yes I wish to free myself once more, and bring myself to be strong enough to be free, even in the confinements of the corporate world.
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I'm not playing stupid games.
And your a douche bag
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Friday, December 23rd, 2005
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I want to get out of here so bad. Out of this place. Out of these circumstances. And out of my skin. I don’t want to be a part of this anymore. I want to be happy with who I am and happy with the world around me.
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Sunday, December 18th, 2005
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Life is fucked, and I feel like I'm in a bad Dawson’s Creek episode. I don't know what to do, but in the end I think that it'll end where it started. My best friend, Heather and I, free as birds and looking towards the future along with, instead of just, living life day to day, spontaneous and living in the moment of shows.
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Tuesday, November 29th, 2005
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This is the same old shit, and something has to change. I need freedom from this, I need to be myself, and I'm tired of being held back.
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Monday, October 3rd, 2005
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I keep thinking that some day you'll either be singing these lyrics as your anthem if you don't do something, or you'll be feeding multiple cats.
"I remember the look in your eyes
When I told you that this was goodbye
You were begging me not tonight
Not here, not now
We're looking up at the same night sky
And keep pretending the sun will not rise
Be together for one more night
Somewhere, somehow
If I could find you now things would get better
We could leave this town and run forever
I know somewhere, somehow we'll be together
Let your waves crash down on me and take me away"
And I keep thinking will I be singing;
"Innocence gone, never take friendship personal
If you can't hold yourself together
Why should I hold you now?
In a sense gone, never take friendship personal
If you can't hold yourself together
Why should I hold you now?
Once a skeptic, now the critic
And you think that you finally found a place of your own.
Amongst the cold and timid souls
Where only failure knows your name"
"So sick, so sick of being tired.
And oh so tired of being sick.
We're both such magnificent liars.
So crush me baby, I'm all ears.
So obviously desperate, so desperatly obvious.
I'll give in one more time and feed you stupid lines all about "its basic..."
"Still counting the days I've been without you 1, 2, 3, 4...
Still counting the days that you've been gone.
Day one, was no fun.
Day two, i hated you.
By day three I wish you'd come right back to me.
Day four, five and six, well I guess you just don't give a shit.
Day seven, this is hell. this is hell.
I gotta get away, and find something to do.
But everything I hear, everything I see, reminds me of you."
or maybe just
"And I know that you're a sucker for anything acoustic.
But when I say let's keep in touch,
I really mean I wish that you'd grow up.
This is the first song for your mixtape.
And it's short just like your temper
but somewhat golden like the afternoons we used to spend before you got too cool..."
And I wouldn't say it if it wasn't in your best interest. But I do hope that I won't say anything else real without you saying anything real first. -hah.
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Saturday, October 1st, 2005
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Other then that.
Upcoming events are
My b-day Oct 8th: Which I'm going downtown to do something and hang out with who ever will have me
October 28th: some show at Polanka Park. But I'm bringing my sister so it can be her first show, and it’ll be Polanka Park.
November 4th: the Underoath/Thrice show. Which if I go I'll be taking my sister, so I'll probably have to leave early.
But if anyone wants to go, your more then welcome, just give me a call or something and we'll work something out.
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So life’s been well life. And I'd love to be able to say that I don't care about what's been happening the past few days. But I'm not going to get myself involved in something I haven't even been involved with yet. As far as I can see is that I'm just being someone I want to be and doing things I want to do when I can do them. I'm being an activist, going to Washington D.C. to protest the war, because I had the opportunity. And I'm being a good friend, because someone called me up and I had the opportunity. And if that's a problem, then I really don't care to involve myself into a conversation that would try to 'resolve' that. Because I'm not bringing up your issues, you'll have to do that with me. And I do care. But I don't as much.
Other then that, I just have to look back and wonder, was Brian Reilly really all that bad after seeing flaws of myself and others. We went our separate ways, and that was probably for the best. But after this, was he so bad?
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Thursday, September 8th, 2005
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I've decided what I want to do when I'm out of college, move far far away. Getting deep into, well getting into myspace made me realize I know a lot of people, which then made me realize of the options I had, the people that I could know, and I realized I must get out. I think that Art Directing or Advertising Directing is totally the field for me. And I'm probably going to be my human rights President this semester and next. Why? cause I rule and this year we're going to pull out the works and make it big! I can't wait, and I also can't wait until work is over tonight, cause I hate to go to work.
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Friday, September 2nd, 2005
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So myspace is like totally awesome, I used it to find people that went to BCCC (my school) and randomly asked all the girls from bensalem that were on there if they would like to car pool, cause like life sucks and I'm too poor for this shit... but yeah so i'm awesome.
Why girls? you may wonder, well guys I just wouldn't really feel safe randomly asking to get in my car with me, cause like I don't know any of these people, which also makes me surprised that people at least replied so soon they deff. don't know me, I didn't go to Ben. High, I was a techie, no one knows who i am.
But hell, I'm Crazy Christina
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Friday, August 26th, 2005
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Eww, eww, eww and may I say EWWWWWWWWW! The world may have him that's great... great just great.. once I go around the bend I know he'll be there.... it's just great.
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Sunday, August 21st, 2005
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So Dave calls me up Thursday night asking for a ride to a show Friday, and I'm like uhhh ok I guess...
Well we go to the show, awesome set, awesome crowd too.. really nice people, I was amazed at the people. We have to go to the church more often.
But the freaking best part of all we found parking monday-friday in after 6 out before 5am, $3!
IT IS AMAZING! 3 freaking bucks! Like whoa
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